previously at the gabba
cricket with balls — Australia Would be happy with their position, haven’t done anything special in this match, but would have to start chugging whisky at the breaks to lose from here. West Indies Kept trying with the ball, came out fighting with the bat, but then lost four quick wickets and it all just faded away. Chris Gayle’s referral said it all, it was misguided, but at least he wanted to keep batting enough to try it. How far is Australia in front Far enough. Play of the day Haddin saw a nick, dived, caught it mid air in the webbing, got up expecting the adulation. It was probably as good a catch as Haddin has taken for Australia. It just happened that Peter Siddle had popped himself over the crease. Also funny was Watson getting out Nash. ...

9 wickets
cricket with balls — Johnson, Hilfenhaus and Siddle chipped in with 11 wickets in this test. Knowing that fact alone, Australia should have lost. But, and perhaps this has to do with the inept state of the opposition, Australia still won by an innings and change. The other 9 wickets were picked up by Hauritz (5 wickets without having to do much work), Watson (3 who picked his up with filth and guile) and laughably Michael Hussey (1 charity). These weren’t just tail end wickets, Hauritz cleaned up the tail in the first innings, but their wickets included the 3 top scorers for the Windies (Dowlin, Barath and Ramdin), and Bravo and Nash were also victims in the top order. Gayle and Chanderpaul never managed to go out to this powerful threesome, but ...

the cricket book store
cricket with balls — In honour of my new book I have started a new page for the site, the book store . I am now in the position where people send me their books, and while I don’t review them like a critic would, i try and give you some sort of impression of the book, by talking shit. Obviously after I have finished plugging the book it disappears down the order of the post and ends up stuck in the S-bend with the rest of the internet. This way the books get to stay there forever and will be updated anytime I read a book. It won’t be that often. In there are my books, Gideon Haigh’s Ashes book, a couple by Lawrence Booth, Patrick Kidd and Nigel Henderson’s books (Nigel edited my book), and also a couple of books I like by a ...

team nash cannot save you
cricket with balls — Something wonderful happened on the third day of the Australia West Indies test, Sky lost access to the Channel 9 commentary. As if that wasn’t wonderful enough, the stump mic was left on, and it happened to be at the best time ever, with Hauritz bowling to Nash with everyone around the bat. It was only a few balls, but it was my dream come true. One day I hope to infiltrate cricket so much that the broadcasters let me sit down and just listen to the stump mic. I want to know what is said out there. Every boring word. Nash is the sort of guy that would get sledged. He has that sort of victim look about his batting, doesn’t score quickly, always looks nervous, and isn’t about to hit a huge six to shut anyone up. So it will ...

Jrod: Cricket in the year 2020
www.wisdencricketer.com — Recently I invented a Time Machine. I wouldn’t want to bore you with the details, but it involves wormholes and gaffer tape. While I was in the future I had a look at how cricket had changed. On the field: 72.2 Is this out? Dawson pushed at a straight ball and there was a noise as it passed the bat. Wade took the catch and Paul Reiffel has given it out. Dawson asks for the review, it appears he has hit his pad with the bat, but did he also hit the ball? No, after playing and missing Dawson has twisted his bat to intentionally show the Pepsi hot-spot camera that there was no edge. Reiffel’s decision is overturned, he just smiles. Dawson ...

Stocking filler
The Village Cricketer — Good old Uncle Jrod. The Big Cheese of Cricket with Balls moved from Melbourne to London for three reasons: 1. The win the Bloggers’ Ashes 2. To watch Australia win the Ashes 3. To get married Poor old Uncle Jrod. At least he managed to get married, and The Village Cricketer again offers him congratulations. Just a shame – for him – that the other two ...

Promotion Without Shame
Cricket = Action = Art — Shorter than the Complete Works of Shakespeare! Longer than a Donald Duck comic!! Funnier than A Short History of Time!!! Sexier than The Bedside Book of Birds!!!! Check out Great Uncle Jrod's latest literary offering!!!!! Any one who can make a misery guts like me laugh on an almost daily basis can't be a complete tosser!!!!!! PS. If Freddy is ...

Kiwi bowlers should go on strike
cricket with balls — Great bath!! on Twitpic Since getting a kiwi test bowler to write some of my book for me it has come to my attention how hard working they are as a species. Mr O’Brien put in about three drafts of his chapter, which is probably more than I had for the book in total. He was a busy writer, offering alterations, trying to get it the best he could, really putting in the full 100% percent and taking it one word at a time. But I didn’t make him write the whole book. That would have been rude. He did his part, got it right, and then I let him rest. That seems to be the problem with New Zealand’s top order, they let their bowlers shoot out Pakistan for under 300, and then a couple of hours later make the bowlers try ...

previously at radeleaide oval
cricket with balls — Special pre-xmas treat. If you have ever wanted to see Richie, Geoffrey, Ricky, KP and Sachin dance in a B-boy style with little christmas hats on, I suggest you go to the Village cricketer’s website and click on his link. Australia It all came so easy in the first session with 3 wickets and an injury.  But then for the first time the West Indies batsmen thought they’d try and bat.  Australia looked rather pedestrian from there on in. It all came so easy in the first session with 3 wickets and an injury.  But then for the first time the West Indies batsmen thought they’d try and bat.  Australia looked rather pedestrian from there on in, except for a bizarre over where the “Obvious Mistake” referral system was ...

Grinning and bearing it
The Reverse Swing Manifesto — JRod's got another book out. Link It hasn't been published yet - available for pre-order on Amazon, but when it does finally hit the shelves I'm sure it'll go up to eleven.

previously at radelaide
cricket with balls — Australia Except for one hour, Australia had this day by the scruff of the neck. What an annoying hour though. West Indies Finally got their batting right, but their bowling was not good. Their two best bowlers are out injured, Sammy was not fit, and when the ball stopped moving they looked like a club attack. Not a great one either. Who is in front Knowing the two sides you would rather be Australia, but all the Windies need is one bowler to “pull a broad” and they can win this game. Roach is the only one who can, but I just don’t see it. Play of the day I’ve always been a fan of DJ Sammy, and not just because he has a magnificently shaped head. The problem with him is that he is not a good enough batsman to play as a ...

In bed with Iain O’Brien
cricket with balls — Thanks for the memories IOB. You know the name, but barely.  You’ve seen him on the telly, but never in real life. Then he comes to your attention. TheIOB “Some Queensland fucktard just called me a fagot, is it the highlights in my hair? LOL. #testcricketershavefeelingstoo” From that moment onwards you follow him, you want to know what he knows. “Hey peeps, you should see my ass in these perfect jeans I bought. #testcricketerlookingsexyindenim” Unfortunately the man tells him to tone it down. NZC “We don’t mind our players telling people about the day’s play, but we object to Iain’s descriptions of his ass #testcricketispure” It doesn’t slow him down though; the man wants the world to know stuff. TheIOB “Got Ricky Ponting ...

India become number one
cricket with balls — India are the number one ranked cricket side in the world. The ICC say so. Rankings are obvious as important to cricket as my asshole is to your next meal. India have done well of recent times, but away from home they are just ok. India’s record home and away the last time they played teams for the last 4ish years: Aus lost away, won home. Bangladesh won away, won home. England won away, won home New Zealand won away, Kiwis hate India Pakistan lost away, won home South Africa lost away, drew home Sri Lanka lost away, won home West Indies won away, won home India’s record against everyone bar Australia and South Africa is number 1 worthy. But if they can’t beat Australia or South Africa away, or even beat South Africa at home, ...

previously at radelaide
cricket with balls — Australia Had the same problem they had at the Gabba, no one could make the big score and wickets kept falling regularly.  Hussey batted the into a real hole, and the Windies never let them out. West Indies Kemar Rocha and Sulieman Benn gave the Windies a chance in this game. They were generally on the money all day.  Was a great day of cricket from them. Who is in front Windies can make the game go anyway they want.  Both teams can still win. But it is the Windies who have to make all the choices. Play of the day Sulieman Benn is a character, and possibly, a bit mad. In the past he has been in trouble for tripping batsmen, and he is never short of a word. Yesterday he invented a mystery ball so good that no batsmen could hit ...

an excerpt from when freddie became jesus
cricket with balls — A couple of people have asked to see some of what goes on in the book . I wasn’t sure what to put up here. Some of it makes sense in the book, but may not here. Some of it I like to much I want it read in print first. Eventually I decided on the following passage, I’m not sure why. It isn’t the final edit, but it is roughly right. It is after Australia’s first batting collapse at Lord’s when a few of the Aussies went out to the short ball.“Pull yourself” Oh come on. Most of you played this shot when you were in the womb. Back-foot shots are what Australians do. I get not getting swing bowling or having trouble with spinner’s mystery balls, but short balls. Fuck off. Katich and North are from the Waca. The WACA. The ...

previously at radelaide
cricket with balls — Australia Tried to sit on the Windies and keep their total low. They did it well, and even picked up wickets. The Windies scored at less than 3 runs an over. The 8 wickets means that declaration isn’t the only option. West Indies Gayle made 143 out of the 261 runs scored. Without him Australia might be 2/120 chasing 180 odd. He might not like test cricket, but he hates being embarrassed. Who should win Because of the Windies scoring rate, Australia can still win. Anything less than 300 runs to chase should be very gettable, this pitch has not broken up and seems to be playing fine. Reverse swing and Benn are going to be the Windies weapons. Their problem is that so far they haven’t looked like bowling Australia out in one ...

the momentum of one moral victory on the trot
cricket with balls — The West Indies will rue the fact they couldn’t close this match out. They will be shaking their fist at the sky. In some ways they might have come closer had the pitch been easier to score on, so then Australia would have scored a bit quicker and attacked more. Instead they had to watch Watson, Hussey, Clarke and Haddin eat up valuble time while Chris Gayle started putting fielders in random positions on the leg side. Glorious random positions. Shane Watson’s innings was something else.  Not content with how many Australian fans bag him, he dragged the run rate below 3 runs an over until any chance of Australia winning was lost in a flurry of awkward defensive shots of Benn. I must admit I was supporting the Windies, not ...

Don’t steal this book
sport review — Cricket With Balls’ Jarrod Kimber has already given the world one book, and now he’s turned the 2009 Ashes series into another - Ashes 2009: When Freddie Became Jesus. Jarrod is well on his way to achieving his goal of being a Proper Cricket Writer. Obviously he’s writing about Cricket now, and bringing more filthy language and sex to the old game than an Ian Botham trip around the West Indies, but the thing I admire (as I’ve covered before) is that he’s fucking out there doing it. He’s moved halfway around the world to live in London, covered the Ashes from the couch, the grounds and the press box in fine style on the site, and he now has book on ...

Jrod: Ravenous Australian cricket media must take things one game at a time
www.wisdencricketer.com — Australian cricket journalists are a ravenous pack of animals that love fresh meat.  Much like their cricketers.  Perhaps you could say that most press pools are like their teams. You could say that England’s is prone to massive highs and despairing lows, much like their team.  And that India’s press pool just isn’t as good away from home.  I probably didn’t research this enough. Summer after summer the Australian press have been thrown a meal masquerading as the opposition.  Last year that all changed.  Australia lost at home for the first time since Dakota Fanning was born. Then they lost another under-reported Test series. Before the series against the West Indies started, the ...

Chris Gayle’s Jersey Girl
cricket with balls — There seem to be two reasons why Chris Gayle turned in the innings of his life in this test. The first one seems to be anger. Just because he wears shades all the time and smiles alot doesn’t mean Gayle can’t get angry. From time to time he looks fucken filthy, and perhaps, just perhaps, being told he was in charge of a team that was the worst thing to happen to test cricket since the front foot no ball rule fired him up. On the eve of day one he apparently gave a testicle swinging speech to his men, and they sure played well on day one. The other seems to be the Adelaide pitch. Having used all his “a” material in his match eve speech, on day four he used his bat.  But he couldn’t smite and slog, as the pitch would not allow ...

Daniel Vettori crosses the final frontier
cricket with balls — As far as dictators go, Daniel Vettori is fairly relaxed. Some dictators get into power and the next day make themselves the coach of the football team, put their picture up in every school and green light biopics about their rise to power. Dan didn’t do that. Once he took over as captain he didn’t even become selector straight away. He even put up with a new coach for a while. And it has taken him a good couple of years to move into the top six. That is restraint. Now that he is a bowler, batsman, captain, coach and selector he has no where else to go. Once dictators reach this point in their live, things start to get a bit shit. Underlings get shot, enemies go missing, and people start to live in fear. Obviously the smart ...

praise the BCCi
cricket with balls — Few people hate the BCCi more than I do. As if I didn’t hate them enough before, reading  Akash Chopra’s book made my anger all the more fresh. First class cricketers treated like shit from the world’s richest cricket organisation. But, credit where credit is due. They have proposed a mini mini test championship. Sure on some levels a two test series is a token, but at least it is there. The South African Cricket Board didn’t even offer a token, and this is the team that seems indifferent to playing anyone regularly but Australia and Bangladesh (follow that logic) in test series.  Of recent times the ICC seems stacked with South African administracrats, but if they can’t get their own team to play everyone, surely ...

Are you ready for your close up, Mr Vettori?
cricket with balls — Are you ready for your close up, Mr Vettori? Posted by: jrod on Dec 11, 2009 in categories kiwis dan in the corner dan in the corner2 My book has no mention of the film Dirty Dancing. Tagged as: daniel vettori , iain o'brien , kiwis There is 1 Comment 1 Comment Sach Dec 12, 2009 @00:46 [image] AHAHAHHAH Brilliant!!! Sach´s last blog .. I’m back with the letter to that sixteen year old jerk! Leave a Reply Name (required) Mail (will not be published) (required) Website Allowed tags: CommentLuv Enabled show more Notify me of followup ...

cricket with balls to sue Cricket Australia
cricket with balls — I understand that at Cricket Australia good ideas are hard to come by. But stealing from a blog, that is just not on. You may not have heard that Cricket Australia are thinking of having a reality show to find their Shane Warne replacement . It is a laughable idea. As is proven by science, all people on reality TV are talentless. And I say that as the person who came up with the concept of this. Long term readers might remember that I once coined the phrase Australia’s next top spinner , and that I, noted international cricket blogger Jarrod Kimber, should be remunerated for any such use of my ideas. You may think that this is a coincidence. That Cricket Australia just came up with this thought independently ...

cricket with balls’ book week
cricket with balls — If you want a nice quiet cricket with balls week, I apologise. As this is the week my book comes out. So I shall be pimping it like it is a 2020 competition. To start with, and this is a gentle ease in, we have a facebook group for the book. So if you love the facebook, join the group. See, that wasn’t so bad.

A reading
cricket with balls — A reading Posted by: jrod on Dec 15, 2009 in categories when freddie became jesus Today is the day my book is out, printed and available. To mark this occasion I have recorded a reading of the first chapter in podcast form. You can’t ask for more than that, well you can, but I’d ignore it. Powered by Podbean.com Download it here . Available on itunes . Here is the feed . Tagged as: ashes 2009: when freddie became jesus , podcast There are 2 Comments 2 Comments CM Dec 15, 2009 @05:03 [image] Congratulations and all the best. Is Amazon the only way to get it in Canada? Kit Kat Dec 15, 2009 @05:54 [image] Clearly it’s ...

Pod with balls
sport review — Listen to a reading from Jrod’s new book, where discusses Richie Benaud, and grabbing his balls. Richie’s balls. Intrigued? Just mildly sickened? You will be - get over to Cricket With Balls for a listen.

Sehwagology celebrates this day
cricket with balls — To me this is a pretty special day. The first day I am a printed published author . Obviously some very special men thought it was a special day as well. To celebrate this event the GOD Sehwag hit 146 off 102 balls. Considering our prophet never hardly ever makes runs in one dayers, it is quite clear that he did this in support of me, his loudest cleric. But it didn’t stop there, is padawan learner Dilshan also stepped in and 160 off 124 came. That would have been enough. Two sehwagologists slaying bowlers on this demon of a pitch to celebrate my book. There was one more surprise though, one more player had something to say. And not just any player, but the King, King Kumar. Not a sehwagologist, but a man so cool that ...

Iain O’Brien is gone, but we shall never forget
cricket with balls — cricket with balls pimping our book modi style about us book store cricket blogs cwb books heroes & villains jaffas polls sehwagology warne’s bluff facebook twitter shop contact icon subscribe icon search the balls the venkatapathy raju archive Recent Posts Iain O’Brien is gone, but we shall never forget Sehwagology celebrates this day A reading The law firm of SRC cricket with balls’ book week chris gayle insults himself cricket with balls to sue Cricket Australia Are you ready for your close up, Mr Vettori? praise the BCCi Daniel Vettori crosses ...

Australia picks a legspinner
cricket with balls — There is no surprise that on the day that my book comes out is the day Australia has picked a Victorian on debut and a leg spinner, even if he doesn’t play. This is obviously Cricket Australia’s way of apologising for ripping off my idea. It is not enough; I would have preferred Bryce McGain. So am I happy with Andrew Hildtich plucking Smith from his inner bowels? For Australia has picked a leg spinner. He can bat. He is a wicket taker in limited overs cricket. He is baby faced. His name is easy to remember. His recent form with the bat is pretty tasty. He has real actual talent. Moises Henriques will be mad. Against Hauritz’s average would laugh at his first class average. Shane Warne said he should not be picked yet. He is ...

England will beat South Africa
cricket with balls — Probably not. But I had this post written ages ago about how I thought South Africa looked a little off the boil at the moment, and since they hadn’t played test cricket in almost 12 months and their one day and 2020 form was just ordinary, England could take this series pretty easily. Since then England has been hell bent on playing four bowlers and whatever Ian Bell is. Going on their form in the UK, England needs five bowlers just because two of them go missing at any one time. It makes me think that South Africa should win. Until you look at the fact for the first time since, well forever, South Africa are going into a match with four bowlers. Neither team seems to like doing it, but due to injuries, retirements and Luke ...

vocabulary wins the day
cricket with balls — Cricket journalists love a day like today. They get all sweated up talking about how this is a proper day of cricket. A typical sentence will be, “What an attritional, gritty, gruelling, testing, resolute arm wrestle of a contest, I remember a day like this….” Not that they were wrong, those adjectives are correct. It was all of them, as are most days when Kallis makes runs. Not that it was his fault, Kallis went slightly quicker than he usually does, it was just that no one else batted even that fast. Amla and Prince dug themselves in. AB looked a bit tentative. And JP Duminy spent most of his day not scoring of the shorter ball. South Africa were batting like a team really worried that their new four man attack, replete ...

Australia learn from the Ashes
cricket with balls — During the Ashes the fact that Australia had made the majority of the hundreds was mentioned about 382,095 times. Australia lost the Ashes. Now Australia find themselves up in the series. But with no centuries. Surely the only way to win this test was to not make hundreds. Simon and Shane understood this. Their sacrifice was for the greater good. Ponting didn’t even get that far, he decided to leave the field before there was even a chance of making a hundred. There is only one man who can ruin this though, one man who would bleed for Australia, but will also bleed just as much to keep his spot for Australia. M Hussey. His 81 could easily turn into a hundred at his home ground. And then what you ask? A four horseman style ...

A forensic examination of a shove and a vow
cricket with balls — When I read about Sulieman Benn, Brad Haddin and Mitchell Johnson getting into a shoving match I wet myself in at least two different ways. Then I saw it. The play by play. Haddin hits a ball into the ball short on the leg side; Benn and Johnson get in a tangle. Not that it is hard to get tangled with Benn. They collided fairly naturally; Johnson tried to push him away, Benn seemed to grab him and tried to get his leg in his way, and eventually they unentwined and the run was completed. Haddin got pissed that Benn was grabbing at Johnson; I doubt he would have seen Johnson’s push from his position. He then had a go at Benn, with a bit of bat waving nonsense thrown in. Then Benn got angry, mostly about the bat waving, as ...

I wasn’t rude and I haven’t done anything wrong.
cricket with balls — Says Stuart Broad. I am sure he wasn’t rude. But he did show dissent. Whether he was talking about which review rule South Africa bent, he did go up to the umpire after he was given out to complain about something. Sulieman Benn would get imprisoned for such dissent. Probably killed. I’ve often thought that dissent was a pissy little crime, especially when a batsman is given out incorrectly.  What sort of human doesn’t show dissent in such a situation? But Broad was plumb, dodgy long review or not, and while you could understand why he was pissed, he must have known that once the decision was  reviewed he was going to be given out, so why not have the conversation with the square leg umpire while the review is being reviewed. ...

No one draws like England
cricket with balls — There are people out there that believe England’s trip to South Africa is less about competition and more about recruiting. That is unfair, and funny. Their trip to South Africa is about their love of draws. And not just any draws, but four and a half days of lifeless cricket, and then a final afternoon that wakes up anyone who has accidentally left the TV on. This is the 4th test of 09 that England has produced a thrilling end after days of wrist slicing tedium. 4 times have we said, fuck the win, what a draw. And 4 times have we fallen asleep earlier in the match. We have to thank England for exciting us. Whether it is with a collapse like the last two, or by not getting out Fidel Edwards they know how to draw. Most teams ...

Australia are now good enough to lose to anyone
cricket with balls — The Windies lost this series 2-0, but were there abouts in 2 of these tests because of one reason, Australia kept collapsing. They lost the Ashes for the same reason. It is easy to blame the bowlers, but Australia’s attack is still pretty inexperienced and keeps getting injured. Their batting line up has plenty of tests and years behind them, they hardly ever get injured, and of recent times they collapse like they’re in a 1950 horror film. It can’t just be Michael Hussey. There has to be something fundamentally wrong somewhere.  Twice in their last four tests they have been bowled out for less than 200, and on neither occasion the pitch was the culprit. When a team can organise their own collapse, they make themselves a ...

Pick Ed Cowan
cricket with balls — With Ricky Ponting possibly missing the boxing day test, Australia need a replacement. A few names have been chucked around. George Bailey. Smiles alot, finally having his break out season. Shaun Marsh. Used to drink alot, finally making regular runs this season. Michael Klinger. Makes alot of runs, usually by putting attacks to sleep. Phil Hughes. Made a hundred recently, against an attack with Andrew McDonald opening the bowling. Any random NSWales player. Due a cap, Usman to debut against Pakistanis could be tough. Mark Cosgrove. Is making lots of runs, is eating lots of pizzas. Mitchell Marsh. Is the talk of the town, has made no FC hundreds. Adam Voges.  Has no weddings planned, is missing a few runs. David Hussey. ...

the continuining confusing case of Phil Hughes
cricket with balls — He made two hundreds in his second test. In his fifth test he was worked out with the short ball that didn’t get him out. He was dropped because he was being bullied. Then he was ignored when Australia came home. He made very little runs early in the season. At the moment two former test openers have made more than him, and so did 11 other shield cricketers (including smooth eddie). His only first class century for the year came against an attack being lead by Andrew McDonald and according to cricinfo he gave three chances. Now he is back. Why? If he had gone back to shield cricket and lit it up, I’d understand, but he has just been ok. I’m not sure making runs against a Victorian attack with its top 5 quick bowlers injured ...

cwb gets interviewed
cricket with balls — The miCoach cricketblog (the big kahuna of cricket coaching sites) needed filler material for their latest podcast. They turned to me. That is nice of them. If you want to hear it click here . If you listen to the whole thing you are a braver person than I am. We talk about my book , coaching, family and christmas. I tend to waffle on stuttering my way through long analogies I have forgotten the point of. But I do bag Greg Chappell’s coaching. I had trouble getting it to work in firefox as well, just try another browser if that is the case. PS: If anyone does listen to the bit where I talk about Victorian legspinners, the player I meant was Craig Howard. If you are reading, Craig, sorry. Can’t believe ...

When The Village Cricketer read ‘When Freddie Became Jesus’
The Village Cricketer — It arrived at Christmas time. The book, long foretold by the prophet Jrod. There was snow all around. Messengers from the far exotic South arrived bearing the good book, and yet I was not in to receive it. The book was therefore left next door , a household of Jehovah’s Witnesses with South African in-laws. The book would never have survived had the inhabitants of said house been aware of its title or subject ...

Umar Akmal makes straight middle aged men giggle
cricket with balls — There are many ways to work out how much talent a young cricketer has. You could ask some old war horse who sits at every first class game and remembers when Neil Harvey was around. Another is to see how many media outlets start talking him up even when he doesn’t do anything that special. My favourite has always been the giggle test. If a young guy is so exciting, so audacious, so cocky and so talented that the commentators actually giggle a little he must be the best thing to happen to the world of cricket since legspin. Umar Akmal passes this test. While he was disembowelling Peter Siddle the channel nine commentary box turned into a gaggle of Japanese school girls (not the ones from Battle Royale). It turned from a ...

cwb makes its commentary debut
cricket with balls — Tomorrow I make my debut on the commentary mic. The commentary deviants at Test Match Sofa will be my masters. I’ll be commentating during the last couple of sessions for the England Vs South Africa test. Before that I’ll be sleeping. It is my first time commentating on the cricket, so you should come and listen, it may be a sensational car wreck, or sofa wreck. It will also be nice for you people to hear me plug my book live, rather than like this . Oh, and on a completely different note, I have a new personal twitter feed where I never mention my book.

South Africa’s headache
cricket with balls — The more I see of South Africa the more I see a little bit of England’s post 2005 hangover. When South Africa finally ended Australia’s home series stranglehold they didn’t go nuts like England did. There was no public fellating of each other, no one was licking champagne out of orifices, and Nelson Mandela didn’t give Neil McKenzie anything, not even a hug. They were just happy, excited, and proud of themselves. There was no reason to think that when they got home they wouldn’t beat an Australian team with Andrew McDonald in it. Sure they had lost a semi dead rubber test against Australia, ruining their chances of going number one on the ICC charts with a win, but they had just beaten fucken Australia at home a few days ...

The 2009 Neils: part 2
cricket with balls — Now we get to the serious stuff. The Parkinson/SRK award to the greatest non-cricketer cricket personality Janine Kallis The IPL dog Lily Allen The IPL dog had more charisma than a cheerleader, was more fun to watch than a pop star, and the only figure in cricket who would happily piss on Lalit Modi’s leg. The Ewen Chatfield award for weirdest jobs for retired players Mohammed Azharuddin, politician. Andrew Symonds, mentor. Brad Hogg, commentator. Although the thought of Symonds mentoring your kids and Brad Hogg talking are both mind boggling, voting in Mohammed Azharuddin has got to be the most fucken weird political appointment since Jesse Ventura. If Cronje were alive today he would be president of South Africa. The ...

The 2009 Neils: part 3
cricket with balls — The Keith Miller award for most awe-inspiring moment of pure hope and courage Bryce McGain Thilan Samaraweera Stuart Broad How Stuart Broad managed to walk off Lord’s without a tear in his eye after that Dutch loss I’ll never know. Thilan, the dude got shot. SHOT. That was not enough though, as only one man fought his way through mediocrity red tape, work in IT, just for men products and the spinning abyss of Australia to make his debut in test cricket. Bryce’s story is our story. The Dean Jones award for the commentator who was the biggest dick Bob Willis Michael Kasprowicz Laxman Shivramakrishnan Michael Kasprowicz for his “the fans have smiles on their faces” as a dude danced in a Hitler mask. Bob Willis for thinking ...

The 2009 Neil Award
cricket with balls — This is is, the award to end all awards. Inspired by a cricketer so much better than any modern day cricketers he could spin down on them, and wait 25 minutes for the splash. I talk of the one and only Neil Harvey. Without further delay, here is the list of nominees: Shane Watson Claimed his Boy Band scream was because Chris goaded him. Tried to end Brett Lee’s career with statements. Stalked Phil Hughes’ spot in the media. Wonderfully easy to hate. Graeme Swann Became test cricket’s greatest tweeter. Bagged Jimmy’s monobrow, called Tim Bresnan thick, and never failed to give good quote. Walks around with a trail of 15 English journalists following him. Love the chin or hate the chin, he cares not. Sreesanth Managed to make ...

ICC starts using technology for good
cricket with balls — I hate to start your new year with a bummer, but I have been told a terrible piece of information, and how could I keep it from you? The ICC has had enough of cricketers.  Especially the ones we like, the ones with human emotions. They thought that the Probot craze of the mid 2000s would catch on, but with their prize probot struggling, M Hussey, they now know a more aggressive approach is needed. Which is why over the last few years they have been introducing Japanese Humanoid Robots into international cricket. They are easy to spot, but hard to distinguish from probot cricketers, or shit cunts. So far, I am told, only a few teams have them, but I haven’t been given a list of players who are in fact Japanese Humanoid Robots. ...

South Africa Vs England Day 1 Review
cricket with balls — Buy my book , get a t-shirt , or donate to the whisky fund.

Broad starts his defence
cricket with balls — South Africa went to Roshan Mahanama after play and complained that Stuart Broad stepped on a ball. They probably thought that was a good idea, strike while the iron is hot. In truth, they were way behind. Broad had lodged his first formal complaint against the ball attacking his shoe at lunch. He took his lawyer into the meeting with Roshan, and he also had a signed affidavit from his father stating that the correct way to stop a cricket ball is with the bottom of your boot. Then Broad contacted his publicist to ensure that they could spin it his way. And to finish it off he hired three former editors of Wisdens to write character witnesses for him. By the time South Africa got in their complaint Broad had almost convinced ...

the heroes of sydney
cricket with balls — Mike Hussey: Who I thought (and still do) should have been dropped sometime during his great drought. But did get dropped more times than Bobby Brown. Still, even with all that fumbling behind him, he held firm and was the man when it mattered. Nathan Hauritz: I once considered going back in time to break his arms as a child. Got some lucky wickets, one that almost cost him his thumb, and got some tail enders. His second five wicket haul on the trot. Lucky or not, that is impressive, and I salute anyone who can do that in test cricket in this day and age. Shane Watson: Said he shouldn’t open the batting. He still shouldn’t be opening the batting, but only because he now gets wickets. I’ve checked this, and 97 is only three ...

big daddy speaks
cricket with balls — This post is, obviously, not written by jrod. Hi I’m Big Daddy, you may remember me from such blogs as “ Bryce McGain – The Comeback Begins!!! ” and my interview on BBC (jrod first then me) after our demoralizing Ashes loss in ’09. I was once a collaborator on CWB, until I realised that mixing full-time work and writing about cricket takes way too much of your time. No way said UJ, as he has blogged his way to international stardom (or so he tells me!). Now that Uncle J-Rod has reached the ripe old age of 30 (and could be about 2 years away from getting picked to make his test debut for Australia, given their selection policies recently) I though I would share some little known (or maybe no so little) facts ...

England loves draws, still
cricket with balls — There are people out there that believe England’s trip to South Africa is less about competition and more about recruiting. That is unfair, and funny. Their trip to South Africa is about their love of draws. And not just any draws, but four and a half days of lifeless cricket, and then a final afternoon that wakes up anyone who has accidentally left the TV on. This is the 5th test since the start of 09 that England has produced a thrilling end after days of wrist slicing tedium. 5 times have we said, fuck the win, what a draw. And 5 times have we fallen asleep earlier in the match. We have to thank England for exciting us. Whether it is with a collapse like the last two, or by not getting out Fidel Edwards they know how to ...

“I am not blind, I can still pull” says Ponting
cricket with balls — Many cricket fans believe that Ponting’s pulling days are gone, but Ponting will not let go.“Wait until I get fit again and we’ll see if everyone is still saying the same thing about it then. They are such reactive moments, they are instinctive. I’m not sure how people in the past have gone about putting it away. While I can see, I will pull. I think I have been caught out twice this summer pulling, I’m not embarrassed, it is something that gives me a lot of pleasure so we’ll see how we go with that. But as I said, if I get my elbow right then I think you’ll see me pulling  a lot more. I stopped doing it for the first time the other day midway through the Test match, when all the negative stuff was in the papers about the ...

The Akmals
cricket with balls — When I was young I watched every crap American family sitcom there was. Other than knowing which sitcom the teenwolf actors came from and remembering Leonardo DiCaprio’s early start in growing pains, it has not served me well. So I would like to thank Kamran and Umar for giving me a reason to revisit those times. You may have seen this on cricinfo ...

Don’t fret English fans, look at what you can do with shit
cricket with balls — When Australia were losing the Ashes there was a lot of talk of the statistical mugging Australia was giving England while still managing to quite beautifully lose the series. This series has a similar story. England had one batsman average over 45. Even Bell and Cook who apparently came of age could only muster 44 and 41 between them. Trott might be from South Africa, but there is no statistical proof that he even went, his average of 27 is even bad for an English number 3. Then the two highest paid batsmen combined to average 49. As world’s greatest hack Nigel Henderson pointed out to me, why are people talking about Daryl Harper. Because it is funny and he is shit. But once they stop chuckling at Daryl looking at ...

Shane Watson is a big dick
cricket with balls — He always has been. But like most dicks he is constantly changing. For years he was the limp lifeless spaghetti dick that everyone pointed at and laughed. There was also that time when he was the unclean uncircumcised dick that no one wanted to play with. He spent some time as the dick that popped up inappropriately and made people laugh at him. Then he became the dick that prematurely ejaculated making a mess and ruining everything. For a time he was the dick he couldn’t ejaculate at all. Eventually he was the dick that no one thought could satisfy the opening slot. Right now he is a different kind of dick, the big swinging dick, or to be precise, Australia’s big swinging dick. In his last 8 tests since readmission he has a ...

Alastair Cook will captain England in common sense’s absence
cricket with balls — Alastair Cook has been named as England’s Test captain for their tour of Bangladesh in February and March, after the selectors opted to stop thinking. National Selector Geoff Miller said: “Andrew Strauss has provided outstanding leadership for the team in both forms of the game over the past 12 months and the selectors feel it is important that the team knows what it is like to have rubbish leadership and we are extremely confident that Alastair Cook can provide this. Strauss is the only frontline Test batsman to miss the trip. “We still want to win, we just don’t think we need good leadership to do that,” said Miller.“Our decision to appoint Alastair Cook to the Test vice-captaincy last year was completely random, clearly we ...

the cricket with balls’ ideal girlfriend test ranking system
cricket with balls — Buy the book , get a t-shirt , or donate to the whisky fund. The ICC has its test rankings involving numbers and nerds.  Not Interested.  So I came up with my own.  They mean nothing, but neither do the ICCs and mine took less time.  They also aren’t numbered for a reason, because that would be stupid.   You can date the bottom girl on this list (actually make that second bottom) and have a great time, and perhaps have a shit time with the second lady. Natalie Portman – There is no outstanding test side at the moment, so no one gets the Portman from me. Kate Winslet– India Capable of great things, clever, classy and hot.  But how many really cool films has Winslet been in?  Has the potential to be ...

The IPL is back in India, splash water on your face, do a push up, read the paper
cricket with balls — Buy the book , get a t-shirt , or donate to the whisky fund. Like Ganguly doesn’t have an employee to wash his face. The stunt double pretending to be Warne is doing a great job. Has anyone ever read the paper with more intensity. The IPL is back in India. The IPL is back, so are the weird ass ads.

dirty dirk roars
cricket with balls — Victoria are the champions of the Racist Chicken Franchise’s bash, for the 4th time out of 5. They won the final without their captain, import, best 2020 player or CWB’s Nice Bryce McGain. They did have the raw beastly power of Dirty Dirk Nannes, a man cricket with balls was talking up when people thought he was a mythical beast of my creation. Nothing mythical about him now, the dude has travelled the world kicking ass, taking names and bearding all over batsmen. The Australian selectors still want to distance themselves from him most of the time, and I understand that, his masculinity scares them. But in this final he picked South Australia up like a rag doll. 8 runs in 4 overs. Nasty. There was also the wicket of their ...

Vote John Howard
cricket with balls — John Howard : Hello fellow cricket tragics. I’m John Howard, you may remember me from such jobs as, Prime Minister of Australia or as the lovable old guy who wears the Wallabies tracksuit who jumps up and down in front of a TV. Today I appear before you, not as a politician or rugby fan, but as a lover of cricket. Someone who deeply loves the game and who would sleep with Sir Donald Bradman if he asked and wanted me too. The ICC needs some help, and what better help could I give than myself. A man of culture, intellect and passion. Not a cricket tragic, but the prototype of the phrase. You might think I don’t have the relevant cricket expertise to run the ICC; my right arm offspin was a crime against cricket, but over the ...

Let us heal Jesse
cricket with balls — When Jesse Ryder first injured his groin I made jokes about it. And now I feel the same urge. But his groin, as magnificent as a groin can be, is no laughing matter. Jesse has been out of cricket so long that I can’t even remember his smile. To be exact that is 10,713,600 seconds, or 124 days.  I know this because of my Jesse Ryder calendar in my room. You might think that 124 days is not a long time, but in Jesse time, this is years. We don’t know how much Jesse we will get, he is not the Michael Hussey type of level headed sensibly attired well groomed individual. Tomorrow he could get drunk and strangle the flight of the conchord boys. He could get run over crossing the road at 2am for his buckets of chicken A nurse could ...

Crazy Uncle Shahid Afridi bites ball (Youtube Footage)
cricket with balls — In some cultures biting balls is frowned upon. This is a serious offence, but it is hard to take seriously. Mostly because he bit a ball. He put the ball in his mouth. And bit it. At the end of the footage the world’s most athletic security guard watches a spectator tackle a Khalid Latif to the ground. It was a close game too. Buy the book ...

jrod impregnates the book awards
cricket with balls — Writing a book is cool. Finding a publisher is pretty cool. Selling more than 12 copies is cool as fuck. Getting nominated for best new sports writer by the British National Sporting Club is kinda fucked up. But, I did . I am not sure how, or why, but for some reason the mainstream is letting me sleep in the pornographic cupboard they pretend they don’t have in the guest house. My book won’t win, you can’t make jokes about killing Richie Benaud and win, but, as they say in the cliches, it is nice to be nominated. Weird but nice. Unfortunately my book is not nominated in the same category as Stuart Broad’s book, best illustrated ( I didn’t even know Broad was a photographer). Also, and you should chuckle a little about ...

When Freddie became Jesus got nominated
Fly Slip — Once upon a time Uncle Jrod of www.cricketwithballs.com wrote a book. Then he wrote another one. That one, the 2nd one - in case you get confused,  got nominated for the best sports write on www.thebookseller.com. The only glitch is that he had write about a Pom and religion to get there. How strange the ways of the world.

Little Nathan strikes again
cricket with balls — “Oh, he is so cute and loveable; I just wanna take him home to my mum so we can double team him”. I know that is what you think about little Nathan Hauritz.  But behind that puppy dog exterior is a cold-hearted assassin.  One who will kill anyone to get where he wants.  An aspirational career driven sociopath. Not only has he led many a batsman to their untimely and embarrassing end, he is also taking out Australian spinners one at a time. First was beautiful Beau Casson, who was too young to die, but Hauritz took him out during a shield game, but made it look like suicide.  He placed sweets down on a trail that led Beau got to the edge of a cliff and Nathan ran up behind him in a Mr Squiggle mask and said boo. Then Bryce ...